Not A Poet, Just A Woman.

Much of the “poetry” I write deals with my general existence as a woman, the experiences defined by womanhood, and those of my family, friends, and fellow women. Within the below, I have compiled a few of these works into a poetry-esque series that confronts these very experiences and much more. As I nurture and grow in my writing, I hope to share more of these “poems.” But, for now I’ll use the word poetry flexibly as I don’t know if I’m yet a poet— just a woman telling stories about women.

A Woman’s Dream

As I traveled through the crevices of space and time, I saw myself, spread in between conscience and unconsciousness, playing with stars and pinching at the cellulite between my hip and upper thigh. Before the sky could open up into heaven, a consolation of breasts and bosoms manifested as the same stars once filling the sky. Faster than the speed of light that flashes in the eyes of a fresh infant, I fell through this anatomical sky to land right where I began,

Pinching at the fat

Between my hip and upper

Thigh— a rippling sea.


Mother Earth

If i hold her for too long i start to envision her as mother earth,

and not her breasts as hills

littered with wildflowers that follow the wind’s breath. 

Certainly not her face,

elongated with a sensual smile, as the sun on a still day, 

commanding me to 

stare myself into silent sobs.

No. that isn’t her at all.

she sits in the cusp of my hand, and bits of her

beauty fall through the spaces between my fingers,

releasing herself, falling and melting

into the ground below her.

Bent down, i taste her being,

 Resigning myself to the grain and crunch of dirt.


Mannequin

rip me apart piece by piece,

exchange my slow rising lungs for objective observation,

because i’m meant to be caressed (coerced)

am I not?

dump the remnants of my remaining flesh into the river and

allow me to swim among friendlier creatures.

they can sink their teeth into me

and ask forgiveness after they’ve tasted

the sweet rot of my damp flesh.

kinder than man,

they’ll consume all of me

and leave nothing to see.


slut

I had a friend that called herself a slut;

a self titled reclamation of sorts.

this always intrigued me because she’d

never felt the touch of another,

the cool warmth of gentle, guilded

sexual desire.

She’d been told abstinence

was the best form of birth

control—

didn’t deter the stranger

and his 

Control.

From then on a

freezing fire planted it’s home

in a reclaimed— rather

usurped edifice.

We sat in the silence

of shared experience 

while I discovered a new identity. 


Source: Picture from ...

A Love Letter to my Notes App and Bad Poetry II.

Hey again!

You probably didn’t think you’d hear from me so soon. However, in an unexpected turn of events, as it turns out, there’s more bad poetry to be shared.*Gasp* I know. But, since I did it once, I thought: why not continue this series with a little more of what’s been hiding in my notes app? Just as a disclaimer: thematically, this selection of poems may be slightly more depressing and of poorer quality than the last. Most, although also only written about a year ago, were conceived during what I like to refer to as my Lana sad girl era, and that was an interesting period to say the least. Despite that though, I hope you enjoy reading anyway. So without further ado, I present to you Bad Poetry Series II.

Ribbons

I liked to tie ribbons in my hair 

And sew them on my clothes.

I liked to use ribbons as necklaces

And decorative bows.

They always looked pretty.

And made me feel neat.

Until you took my ribbons.

You LIAR!

You CHEAT!

You took my ribbons and you stained them red.

You took my ribbons and tied my hands instead.

You took my ribbons and made them shackles for my feet.

You took my ribbons breaking me down with each beat.

My ribbons I never offered!

My ribbons I never shared!

Still, you took my ribbons. 

How little you cared?!

And the last of those untainted you kept,

refusing to let go.

You took my favorite things in the world and made them something [I] owed.


The Monster Underneath My Bed

The monster underneath my bed is a woman who's spent her whole existence begging to be loved by people who’d rather she be dead. She isn't demented, in fact, I fear she's sane. Especially when you account for the number of times she's been mercilessly degraded and ironically rendered “inhumane.” Yet, she’s by far the most humane monster I have ever met. Not that I’ve met many. Except I know that when it comes to fangs and beady eyes, she’s got too little to display any. Though, she does cry a lot. To be honest I think she may be a little depressed. But, I would be too if I was called a monster when I’m relatively monster-less.

Pretty.

Being told you are “pretty” for the first time is as though someone has seen something in you that you never thought attainable. It’s this magical moment where you can’t help but be still and bright-eyed.

How insignificant you are and yet the sun has chosen to make you its centerpiece.

Suddenly, somehow lots of somebodies start to see that something in you too. Centering you just as the sun did. 

You then hear that word “pretty” so often it begins to wither. Overused and oversaturated, it slowly loses its value to you.

“Pretty” it seems never meant you were the sun’s favorite.

Until once more you hear someone use it to describe you. The one you yourself have decidedly centered. “Pretty.” It slips from their lips like sunshine through the corner of your bedroom window. There it is. The glow comes back and once again it feels like it did the first time. Flutters and all.

How is it that all those somebodies seemingly shadow when compared to that [sun] one.

“Pretty” s[he] says.

Oh how lovely it sounds in that tone.

Pie to the face

I took a pie to the face the day I allowed your smile and corny banter to swoon me. Sway any negative opinions I’d had about— shit I forget— I guess I just like to think that there was something wrong to take note of the day that we met. But there simply wasn’t. Not then and not now. How pathetic of me to try to make you out to be less perfect than you are somehow. Instead, I should have the courage to stand and admit: “ I am an idiot for being infatuated with someone who just can’t commit.” Not to me. This I know. *Cue the laugh track* but hold off on the clown makeup— that’s as much pride as I’m willing to forgo. The truth is I still wonder what it might have been like if there were no feelings to resist. Urges to repel and deny every time I was situated in your midst. But alas it’s unattainable… all of it.. whatever I thought “it” could be. You are unattainable and that was clear at first but clearly not enough for me. So I’m taking a pie to face no protests or counteracts in place. A jester there to boo, chuck tomatoes at, and wholly debase.


Loss.

You would leave me if you could. You would. You just don’t know how.

Comfort.

My father hugs. Always with a pat on the back.

“It’s a comfort thing,” he says. 

It's the kind of comfort I hope to feel for a lifetime and several more afterward.

Part III? Actually, I’m not sure how much terrible writing I have left in the archives. However, considering how fun this was, I might just have to get back into it.



sample(d) I: Moon Men pt. 2

… on the same note of an ethereal space aesthetic. I’ve made the unusual pairing in my mind between “moon river” and “rocketman” (by E. John which he himself even sampled for “Cold Heart” feat. Dua Lipa). On a more tragic note, the notion of space could mean something entirely unattainable. Here’s my version of rocketman…

“mars ain’t no place to raise your kids” , photo by Katarina Grozdanic

Rocket Man (I think it’s going to be a long time)

link

rocketman

Promise you’ll take me to the moon

fingers crossed over his chest 

and life was at its best 

back then 

when 

clouds were but kingdoms unexplored

and dreams were alive 

breathing

beckoning 

… 

Somehow he knew —even then— they were to die very soon 

that the path of the greatest dreams were those 

that led to a graveyard 

No one can see

but you 

and you’ll visit them frequently

You’ll see a time capsule of every petaled memory 

      encased in settled dust 

The greatest ones are buried in glass 

too precious to visit 

to think about 

But

The greatest ones are just that… …dreams

that have long died at 2:13 am 

When the moon was high 

And you could look at it every night

reminding your eyes

they’re not lying to you 

that you could go Anywhere; be Anything

But life has now buried your feet in the ground 

with one eye on the sky 

and the rocketman 

…once breathing 

…once beckoning 

has now died

Stay tuned for many more sample(d) installments to come.

‘til the next installment, I’m going to keep basking in the magic of lyrics and storytelling and I hope you do too.

All of my lyrical inspiration for this first installment (Moon Men): moon river by Audrey Hepburn and more, Rocket Man by Elton John, Halley’s Comet by Billie Eilish, illicit Affairs and this is me trying by Taylor Swift, When we were young by Adele Adkins, “Bing Bong” from Pixar’s Inside out, and many many more…

sample(d) I: Moon Men pt. 1

“The reader is the space on which all the quotations that make up a writing are inscribed without any of them being lost; a text's unity lies not in its origin but in its destination.” 

-Roland Barthes, The Death of the Author 


The beauty of music — to me — is within the lyrics. But would this mean that the magic of songs lie within the songwriter? I’d beg to differ. The true power of a song — of a chorus or a bridge or a hook— lies within the listener. More specifically, how listeners can actively take apart lyrics and interlace a chorus, a hook, or a bridge into a tapestry of their own creation. It is the way a listener weaves their own lived experiences, imagination, and imagery to songs that make it last; make it mean something. This poem-based series is my way of exemplifying how magical songs are to me. 

I’d like to invite you to bask in the magic too… 


Sample(d) I: Moon Men

“two drifters off to see the world”


In this first installment, I “sample” a myriad of artists but primarily the various artists that have covered the iconic song “moon river” (popularized by Audrey Hepburn’s version in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s).

moon river

from breakfast at tiffany’s and beyond

Moon river, wider than a mile

I'm crossing you in style someday

Oh, dream maker

You heartbreaker

Wherever you're going I'm going your way

Two drifters off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see

We're after the same rainbow's end

Waiting round the bend

My huckleberry friend

Moon river and me” 

-Performed by Audrey Hepburn, and Frank Sinatra, and Frank Ocean… 

… my turn-ish


moon landing

A love on a lie

is a castle on a glass cloud 

but not this love 

for it is different 

As if here on worn-in sheets under dim motel lighting

On a cross-bred cocaine high  

Nothing else matters 


And as your body curves into mine 

you confess, “this love is made of something out of this world”                                                         

— something I already know

… 

Let the crashing comets collide against the earth

Let it catapult me into the clouds

   into space 

So far from earth

So far from matter

Where I can lay in moon dust

with you forever

Where I can lay here in moon dust 

with you forever

A future with you

is a future worth dreaming of

A love on a lie

is a love good enough

for me

… 

And as the stars in your eyes dim into a deep sleep 

I’m mesmerized that somehow I’ve landed you 

and

I solemnly swear 

a secret

“I promise you 

I’ll stay here forever

and whatever comes after 

doesn’t matter”


Check out part 2 to this series debut…