"Quarantine Cuts" as Spectacle: Why My Boyfriend Got a Haircut over Zoom & We Recorded it
Every time I get a haircut, I’m nervous. I’ve had bangs for years, and I’m very, very particular about their length. Particular might even be an understatement. I want my bangs to cover my eyebrows, but not my eyes. This means that I need to trim my bangs frequently. And for this reason, I often drop into my favorite Hyde Park hair salon, on my way to class. I don’t even have to say anything; the kind woman at the front desk always knows that I’m there for a quick bang trim.
As such, I’ve had my mom trim my bangs under quarantine. And while she’s very good at cutting my hair, I always remind her - repeatedly - that I don’t want her to make my bangs too short. While Audrey Hepburn could pull off the super short bang look, that’s not the look that I’m going for. More than that, while I trust my mom to cut my bangs, there’s no way that I would let someone film one of my haircuts. I’m nervous enough as it is.
However, after weeks under quarantine, my boyfriend said he needed a haircut. Eli’s hair wasn’t even that long, but he’s like me, in that he’s particular about his hair. To be fair, he’s not nearly as intense as I am about hair length, but he likes having a military cut. And he was worried that his hair was getting out of control. As such, while his mom had never cut his hair before, he ordered a clipper online and asked her to cut it for him.
When Eli said he was going to have his mom cut his hair for the first time, I said that we should film it. I found myself needing a fun project to focus upon, and I joked with him that this might be it. However, I honestly didn’t expect him to agree. I knew that I wouldn’t want my first “quarantine cut” to be filmed, so I wasn’t going to push it. More than that, I knew that many of these home cuts don’t go as planned, and I wasn’t going to talk him into posting the video if he wasn’t fully supportive of the endeavor. But, to my surprise, Eli agreed.
A few days later, I called him over Zoom. He and his mom were both in high spirits, as we discussed where to begin. Eli even arranged the lighting in his room, to improve the video footage. And what follows is a video of this haircut - plus a (post-haircut) discussion of his decision to let me record it.
The Video:
The Interview (Post-Haircut)
Me: When did you first decide it was time to get a “quarantine cut,” and why?
Eli: I think there’s always a moment when I enter a panic and realize my hair is too long. And usually I resolve that by walking to the barber. But, this time I realized that obviously wasn’t going to happen.
I’m in a noticeably worse mood when my hair is long…I’m in a bad mood, because I spend all morning trying to get my hair right. And sometimes I don’t want to look in the mirror because I’ll look ridiculous. So I swore to myself that I would always try to keep my hair short. I wasn’t going to be stingy about this. And so I bought a clipper. And I realized that maybe I got the better end of the deal. Maybe, now that I have a clipper, I’ll never have to get a haircut again. Maybe I’ll make lemonade out of lemons.
Me: Awesome. And why did you let me record it? Because I really didn’t think you’d let me do it.
Eli: Cause I’m vain, probably. I just love the look of my face.
Me: Eli! You don’t really mean that.
Eli: I think it’s because I love watching my face in action. I like watching myself make expressions. So I said, well, why not immortalize this for narcissistic means?
Me: You’re not being serious now!
Eli: That’s not true. That’s not true! [He laughs.] Is that not a good answer?
Me: That’s not not a good answer, I just didn’t think that would be your answer.
Eli: Is that not allowed to be my answer?…Well, let me tell MODA this, I love videos of myself. I am not camera shy. So the idea that there would be memories of me immortalized in film, I like that idea…It’s like a blog with my face in it. It’s perfect, right? So I’m a vain cat. Right?
Me: Well, now I know. [I laugh. I’m still not fully convinced he’s being serious.] And were you nervous for the recording? Or how did you feel the day of?
Eli: Well, I was nervous for the haircut, but I rationalized it ahead of time that if there were any major [screw] ups, then we would just call it quits and I’d go bald. And I was okay with going bald. So, I accepted that fate and I wanted to be valiant for the video. So I was ready. I think what you can say fairly is that I was ready. Was I nervous? Maybe. Was I scared? Perhaps…were there butterflies in my stomach? It’s possible. But I was ready. I was as ready as I was ever gonna be for an experience like that. And let me tell you, it paid dividends.
Me: And worst-case scenario, what would have happened? You’ve already basically said this, but-
Eli: I would go bald. Now should I stay with bad hair, that would be worst-case. But I’d already decided that worst-case wouldn’t be acceptable. I said, if we get to that place, “he’s going bald.” (But the “he” is me there.) So that was the mindset I took.
Me: That’s awesome.
Eli: What else do you got? [He laughs. He loves being interviewed.]
Me: Do you now recommend the experience to others? You’ve already answered a bunch of my other questions, but-
Eli: Can I also say this? If you think that you’re going to get some totally cheese cake answer out of me, like, “man, was I scared,” nuh-uh. Right? These are the only answers I’m capable of giving. Alright? So sorry about that. This is all I can do.
Me: You’re on such a roll right now that I can’t tell if you’re serious about the answers you’re giving me.
Eli: Ok, well look. If you love the sound of your voice and the look of your face… and I’m not kidding…if you’re camera shy, then you’re going to be even more camera shy in terms of your hair. And let me tell you this, also, I was scared. Okay? When I looked at that first-
Me: But you said you weren’t scared!
Eli: But now I’m getting to when I was [scared]. When my mom drove that [clipper] through my hair the first bit, and it was like… what did we say on the phone? A reverse mohawk maybe. I was like, “oh no, this is going to be bad.” But then it was okay…And by “do you recommend this,” do you mean have it recorded or cut your hair at home?
Me: Both.
Eli: Well, if you just mean having a haircut at home, then there’s no promises… [But] my hair cuts really easily. So if you have a hair style that you really care about, then you should just let it grow out. I’d also say that most people who have a haircut that they care about, it’s not short. Because if it’s short, then how much do you care? Right? So, if you have a long haircut that can get a little longer, wait this pandemic out. But if you’re okay being bald and you like good risks, like speeding down the highway…if you’re that type of person, and you don’t mind going bald, then it’s for you.
Me: Okay. And then the last big question: are you happy with the cut?
Eli: Oh we can keep going for awhile, I promise. But, yeah, I was elated, actually. And I’ll say this-
Me: Ahh, Eli, I think recording you was a bad idea. Because now you’re just on such a roll. I don’t trust-
Eli: I’ll say this… if I had to graph my emotions, let’s say I was good, then I was a little scared, and then it went way up when I thought it was great. [He points to illustrate his “graph.”] And that [after] photo you took, that’s the height of it. Then I looked in the mirror later, and all down here [he points to the back of his head], it was too long. My mom hadn't seen it, because of my very good lighting. So I had to refine it, and once it was refined, the graph went back up.
And now, you noted that my hair has been a little uneven. But I will say, as a “vouching mechanism,” that I’m getting my mom to do this again. So if I really thought it was a bad idea, then I wouldn’t have her cut my hair again. But she’s going to. So that’s good evidence that I thought it was pretty good.
Needless to admit, Eli really enjoyed both the haircut itself and the spectacle of having it recorded (and of being interviewed).
Click here, for thumbnail image source. The video’s soundtrack is the Austin Powers theme song: “Soul Bossa Nova.”
