sample(d) IV: the Holidays

the Holidays 

— my mother’s voice, cursive and contoured 

“come Christmas-time, 

everything’ll be just fine ” 

that somehow beneath 

prickly pine and hanging lights 

it’s warmer outside 

yeah right

the scent of a dying candle 

and printed wrapping paper 

line the ends of each

fickle finger

it doesn’t tuck as 

neat as it should 

“not tidy enough, 

start over” 

— my mother’s voice, cursive and contoured

… 

“I’m in my apartment

— with

     a solemn stare as snow falls over the place

     blistering the park in a bittering haze

     as if time —or this city— is to blame 

— with

     the begrudging half-truth we all have to face 

     that somehow and someway the holidays

     will never — could never— be the same 

“yeah, I’m in my apartment, 

but I’m about to head out 

I can’t call right now”

— my voice, all the same: cursive and contoured

Photograph of the Christmas tree back home in Jakarta taken by my mother

… Happy (?) Holidays, I guess. As an international student, the concept of Christmas made into a wonderfully winter wonderland has whirlwind-ed down to its true form: just cold. As I near 20, it is also deeply apparent how much I’ve taken this season for granted. There’s a lot that will never be the same. Besides that, I’m truly just missing my sunny home of Jakarta more than ever. I should probably call my mom back too — oopth.

Songs Sampled: “Split” by Nicole Zefanya, “Christmas Tree Farm” by T. Alison Swift, “Writer in the Dark” by Ella Yelich-O’Conner, “I’ll be home for Christmas” as performed by Kacey Musgraves & Lizzy Grant, amongst many others…